The Death of a Christmas Tree
I’m a huge dork when it comes to holidays. I love to decorate - the cheesier the better! Having cats has seriously limited the type of decorations I can have - nothing breakable, nothing that might appear edible and then end up wrapped around kitty intestines, nothing that burns or electrocutes (remember the cat in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation?) Since most decorations seem specifically designed to maim and kill cats, this is seriously limiting! Still, I persist. I just can’t help myself.
This year I bought what appeared to be a sturdy Christmas tree. Fake - they knock all the needles off a real one in about 2.5 seconds. I attempted to “anchor” it to the wall with twine to prevent tippage. I bought ornaments that were supposedly “shatter-proof”. And I actually thought this would survive the Christmas season. I conveniently forget every time how insanely adept cats are at destruction when they choose to be. This year what I didn’t figure into the equation were two “teenage” kittens named Butters and Waldo who have joined my little herd of furry barbarians. Critical mistake on my part.
Before the tree was even fully assembled, Butters had scaled it and sat looking at me with adoration from within the branches - what a spectacularly awesome toy I’d just given him! As quickly as I hung ornaments, he and Waldo knocked them off. I devised a way to secure them to the tree, somewhat, but they later learned how to chew through the string attaching them so they could play “ornament hockey” with them. They also chewed through the twine anchoring the tree, then climbed all the way to the tippy top. Helplessly I would watch the tree sway thiiiiis way, then thaaaat way while they clung obliviously batting at each other and chasing each other’s tails. They didn’t even have the good graces to act startled when the tree would fall, with a crash that sounded like the whole house was coming down around our ears. They didn’t even try to look innocent. Oh no, if cats could laugh, I’m convinced they would’ve been busting a gut!
Shatter-proof is a joke when you’re dealing with cats who are hell-bent on “the hunt”. As far as they were concerned, the ornament was “prey” and needed to die. And die they did, one by one, until my tree was nearly bare. They even most cruelly beheaded the angel who once sat so prettily atop the tree. It’s quite disturbing to find a beheaded angel on your floor, even if she’s made of porcelain. Still, I thought to myself, a bare tree was better than no tree. Right?
Oh no. Once they’d finished off the ornaments, they moved onto demolition of the tree itself. Each day, another branch would bite the dust. Finally, the other day, I looked at my sad little tree and decided that it now made Charlie Brown’s look positively *lush*. I put her out of her misery, tucked away in her box til next year, when I’ll surely forget this year’s ordeal and try again. She’ll be held together with duct tape and prayers after the beating she took this year though!
You might be wondering why the cat lady couldn’t train her cats to leave the tree alone. Good question. The problem was, I couldn’t keep a straight face long enough to scold them. They were having so much fun - and after all, isn’t that really what decorations are all about?
Here’s hoping your tree fares better than mine,
This Crazy Cat Lady